Why It’s Hard for Autistic People to Make Friends

Many autistic people find making friends challenging, but it’s important to remember the reasons behind this can vary greatly. In my work, I’ve heard several common themes from autistic individuals:

1. Shyness and Insecurity

Some autistic people experience social insecurity and shyness. If you’re worried about what others think, it can be difficult to initiate contact. This can be compounded by difficulties with eye contact, which others might misinterpret as disinterest. Navigating social boundaries can also be tricky. How often is it okay to suggest getting coffee with someone you’ve just met? How can you be proactive without appearing pushy?

2. Difficulties Socializing in Groups

Socializing in groups can present a real obstacle to forming friendships. While it’s often possible to manage in elementary school – particularly for girls, who frequently have a close one-on-one friend – things change as an adult. What do you do when your classmates and colleagues primarily socialize in groups and don’t seem interested in one-on-one activities? And as you get older, you might find yourself invited to dinner parties with couples. This can be difficult if you dislike that kind of social setting.

3. A Strong Need for Planning

A preference for planning is often a characteristic of autism. This isn’t an issue if your friends operate similarly, but modern technology has made many people more spontaneous, which can be stressful for autistic individuals. Now, it’s common to receive a last-minute text saying, “Can’t make 2 p.m., how about 3:30 instead?” When I was younger, and mobile phones were rare, such short-notice changes simply didn’t happen. However, many people today are resistant to making plans in advance.

4. A Different Way of Thinking

Autism can sometimes involve a different way of processing the world, making it harder to connect with others. Personally, I struggle to understand why some things, like homosexuality, are widely accepted while others, such as incest between siblings, aren’t. In my view, consent and lack of harm are the crucial factors. I also didn’t understand why people felt so bored during coronavirus lockdowns, and I often struggle to relate to the emphasis many place on appearance. It’s draining for me to discuss topics where we fundamentally disagree.

5. Different Interests

Autism often involves not only a different way of thinking, but also a unique set of interests. I strongly identify with the diagnostic criterion of “restricted interests and behaviors,” and my own passions are quite specific – languages, health, blueberry picking, and, of course, autism itself. I have little interest in, or knowledge of, other subjects. This can create friction when others want to discuss music, art, architecture, history, movies, or cooking.

6. The Desire for Genuine Connection

Many autistic individuals aren’t satisfied with casual friendships. They crave deep, loyal connections – friendships that feel like family. They want people they can confide in and share meaningful conversations with, rather than just discussing superficial topics like hobbies, work, and the weather. And finding such friends isn’t easy, especially as adults, when romantic partners often take priority.

7. Lack of Interest in Socializing

Some autistic people are introverted and perfectly content with their own company. They may not have a strong desire to make friends, especially if it means frequent contact and meetings. Others might enjoy spending time with friends when it happens, but friendship simply isn’t a high priority in their lives. As a result, they might not always have the energy to initiate contact or suggest activities.

It’s Important to Find the Root Cause

If you’re a professional or family member trying to support an autistic person in building friendships, it’s crucial to understand why they are struggling. Telling them to “be more outgoing” is unhelpful if their issue isn’t a lack of initiative, but rather difficulty finding people with compatible interests, values, or a similar need for planning. And, importantly, does the autistic person actually want to make more friends, or is that expectation coming from elsewhere?

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