Lena Asks
My 8-year-old daughter, who was recently diagnosed with autism, has started lying constantly—and she’s telling really hurtful lies about me to anyone who will listen. She’ll tell people that I don’t feed her, that I’m always screaming at her, that I never play with her or her siblings, and that I never keep my promises. Now she’s refusing to come on our family vacation and says she wants to move out—literally anywhere else.
She’s acting like an angry teenager, even though she’s so young. On paper, she’s super social and academically advanced—way above average for her age. But I am running on pure exhaustion. Every single day is just non-stop screaming and fighting. Please help. How do I get her to stop lying? I feel like I’m doing EVERYTHING for her, even following all the recommendations from the psychoclogist, but her behavior just keeps getting worse…
Paula Replies
I can hear how exhausted and deeply frustrated you are—and that is completely valid. So many parents of autistic kids burn out because navigating a child’s disability is anything but easy.
Don’t Let Her See Your Frustration
I completely understand why it feels like she’s just being difficult, but I’d strongly advise you not to let her see that frustration. No child wants to feel like a burden. All kids—neurotypical or autistic—just want to feel loved and accepted. If a child senses that they’re seen as a problem or an inconvenience, it almost always triggers challenging behavior. Again, it is totally okay that you feel this way on the inside, but try your best not to project that onto her.
The Accommodations Might Not Be Hitting the Mark
Try to avoid saying things to her like, “I already do everything for you, and you still act like this.” I know that’s how it feels on your end, but even when we think we’ve put plenty of accommodations in place, those adjustments can miss the mark or simply aren’t enough. Accommodations for autistic kids can easily miss the real issue. When an autistic child acts out, it usually means their environment isn’t fully autism-friendly yet. Try to focus on adjusting your approach and reactions, and always start from the assumption that she is doing the absolute best she can.
She Doesn’t Realize the Impact
I can’t say for sure why she’s making things up, but one possibility is that she feels unseen or unheard and is trying to get attention through shock value. If she feels like a hassle at home, she might feel like telling “shocking” stories gives her a sense of connection or attention from peers. Keep in mind that she’s only eight—she isn’t doing this out of malice. She genuinely doesn’t grasp how this affects you, nor does she understand the real-world consequences of telling people she isn’t being fed at home.
She Might Be Feeling Misunderstood
Another reason for these fabrications could be that she feels misunderstood and doesn’t know how to explain it. A core part of autism is struggling to put thoughts, experiences, and emotions into words. She might be feeling sad because she senses that you’re worn down by her, but because she can’t articulate that feeling, it comes out as anger directed at you. Society doesn’t always accept raw anger without a clear “why,” so she might feel forced to invent a storyline that justifies how intensely she’s feeling.
Her Perception Might Genuinely Be Different
It’s also possible that she doesn’t think she’s lying at all—she might be completely convinced she’s telling the truth. If her lunch looks slightly different than expected, or if dinner is served 10 minutes late, her brain might translate that as “I never get fed” or “You never keep your promises.” To her, concepts like “food” or “promises” might carry a very rigid, literal meaning.
Validate Her Feelings
If she claims she never gets fed—even when you know for a fact she just ate—don’t argue with her logic. Instead, validate the underlying feeling and gently ask what’s making her feel that way. Consider whether you can make your daily routine even clearer and more predictable so she isn’t caught off guard by mealtimes. Her refusal to go on vacation might also be a sign that she struggles deeply with transitions and routine changes. Try not to view her refusal as simple defiance—what feels like a fun trip to the rest of the family might feel overwhelming and terrifying to her.
Autism Always Comes With Social Challenges
You mentioned that she’s very social and does well in school, but having autism inherently comes with social hurdles. Being “social” can mean a lot of different things. She might be articulate, bubbly, and chatty, but still struggle to grasp underlying social nuances. She could be feeling left out or having trouble forming genuine, two-way friendships. She received an autism diagnosis for a reason, and her high academic performance doesn’t change that. It’s extremely common for autistic kids to have a “spiky” profile—being highly gifted in some areas while struggling significantly in others.
Look Closer at Her Social Life
A lot of adults make the mistake of assuming an autistic girl is adjusting well just because she’s physically hanging out with other girls and seems friendly on the surface. But underneath, there are often major social struggles: she might be getting subtly excluded, she might just be copying her peers to fit in, or she might be missing social cues entirely. That creates immense anxiety. Because a child can’t always pinpoint where that anxiety is coming from, she might convince herself that you are the problem, reasoning that she must feel terrible because you treat her poorly. Try to dig deeper into what her social life at school actually feels like to her. Relieving that outside pressure could drastically reduce the meltdowns at home.
She’s Masking at School and Letting It Out at Home
The fact that she vents her anger at home is actually a positive sign, even if it feels terrible right now. She is likely “masking” (suppressing her autistic traits) all day at school, and navigating that environment drains all her energy. By the time she gets home, her battery is completely empty, and all that pent-up frustration comes pouring out on you. Having meltdowns around you shows that she feels safe with you. It is incredibly common for autistic girls to blend in at school and drop the mask the second they step through the front door. Her mood at home might actually be a sign that school isn’t going as smoothly as it appears.
Keep Her Disability in Mind
Try to approach her with warmth, patience, and understanding. Focus on rebuilding a close, trust-filled connection rather than placing blame. Try to get to the root of what’s driving this behavior and why she’s so consistently angry that she talks about moving out. Remind yourself that she isn’t “just” being a difficult child—she is a young girl navigating a disability, which makes her especially vulnerable.
And please, don’t forget to take care of yourself too! Parenting an autistic child is exhausting. If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t hesitate to reach out to local carer support groups or family counseling in your community.
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