Why Autism Needs Genuine Validation

Those of us with autism often face challenges that extend beyond the everyday struggles everyone experiences. While everyone goes through difficult times, the difference is that autism is a lifelong condition, and our difficulties can be enduring, or at least long-lasting.

When a new resident might understandably feel lonely during their first year in a new town, many autistic adults in mid-life have felt equally lost and alone for most of their lives, unable to make even a single friend despite genuine effort. And while anyone can experience a temporary financial setback, our financial problems can be lifelong if we rely on disability benefits or public assistance year after year. This means many of us may feel certain we’ll never be able to afford a little something extra, whereas someone temporarily struggling due to unemployment or studies knows there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Therefore, our worries aren’t always comparable to those of others.

Many autistic individuals appreciate having someone to talk to when they meet with their support workers, contact persons, or coaches. However, professionals who lack understanding of how autism presents can sometimes respond in unhelpful ways, such as:

1. “I know exactly how you feel. Everyone else feels the same way.” But it’s not possible to equate temporary concerns with ongoing problems! Someone on the autism spectrum may have spent 15 years interning at various workplaces without securing employment, despite desperately wanting to earn a living. Some social workers dismiss this by pointing out they also completed unpaid internships during their social work education. But that’s not the same; a student temporarily working for free during a semester while pursuing a degree is vastly different than someone on the spectrum striving for long-term employment. It can be incredibly invalidating for an autistic person to share their difficult situation only to be told that everyone experiences the same thing!

2. “You have a disability, you just need to accept that you’ll never be able to live like most people.” This almost flips the script! While it’s true that autistic individuals likely won’t have the same advantages as neurotypical people, and accepting that reality is often the most constructive path, it doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to grieve or express our distress. It becomes impossible to accept a diagnosis and life situation if professionals don’t take an autistic person’s feelings seriously. Just because social difficulties are part of autism, and some of us remain lonely despite our best efforts, doesn’t mean we should simply accept and suppress everything.

So, how should one respond to an autistic person who is struggling? I believe a middle ground between these extremes is best. Professionals should acknowledge that autism can present difficulties and challenges, and refrain from pretending everyone else feels the same as us when we know that’s not true. But they should also validate our feelings and try to help us find solutions – to transform our autism into a strength, if possible. And if that’s not achievable, at least help us find a more manageable way to live!

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Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.