The Uncertainty of Social Navigation as an Autistic Person

Living with autism often means navigating social situations with a constant undercurrent of uncertainty, especially when you’re aware you might miss subtle social cues. This is particularly challenging for those of us who deeply value kindness – we genuinely want to please others and avoid causing any hurt. I’m comfortable bending social rules if it means I come across as a little quirky, but being perceived as unfriendly is something I really strive to avoid.

A Recent Incident

Recently, the story of Miss Finland, Sarah Dzafce, losing her title after posting a picture on Instagram where she pulled the sides of her eyes while mentioning she was with a Chinese person, caused a huge uproar both in Finland and internationally. She was accused of racism for making a joke about a person’s appearance. The Miss Finland organization quickly responded, stripping her of the title, stating they have a zero-tolerance policy for racism.

My Immediate Reaction

I immediately felt anxious. I have absolutely no tolerance for racism and actively distance myself from anyone with xenophobic views – for example, those who might unfairly criticize Syrian or Somali refugees for not learning Swedish as quickly as Ukrainian refugees. It’s important to me that the people I’m close to share a humanist perspective, but I honestly didn’t understand how a joke about someone’s eyes could be considered racist! I couldn’t grasp why people were so angry, and honestly, it made me worry that I might have done something similar myself. It’s a disturbing thought, but I assure you I have no malicious intent.

Seeing the Humor

As Swedish, Finn, I’m used to playful teasing. I frequently get asked things like, “Where’s your Koskenkorva?” (a Finnish brandy), or “Have you been in a fight? Finns are always fighting and carrying knives!” or “Is your dad named Pekka?” I’ve always found these questions amusing and simply laughed them off. Perhaps my sense of humour is a little different, but I’ve never felt these were meant to be racist. I’ve always taken them as harmless jokes. So, I automatically assumed people of Chinese descent would respond similarly!

The Worry of Unintentional Offense

What happened to Sarah really troubles me, and it’s a stark reminder of how carefully an autistic person has to tread to avoid unintentionally hurting someone. I’ve also accidentally written things in my blog that have upset people – not through malice, but simply because I’ve expressed my honest thoughts and feelings. Sarah likely isn’t autistic, but that doesn’t offer me any comfort; quite the opposite, in fact. If a neurotypical person can make a social misstep that causes widespread offense (and I’m convinced Sarah didn’t intend to upset anyone), how is someone like me, who is autistic, supposed to navigate social situations correctly every time?

Conformity vs. Authenticity

Sometimes it feels like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying not to offend. A neurotypical person can usually intuitively judge what’s socially acceptable, but that isn’t something I can always rely on. So, I often err on the side of caution and remain silent if I’m unsure how my words will be received. It’s limiting, but I feel like I have two choices: conform to avoid causing offense, or be myself and accept the potential consequences. And because I have a natural inclination to please others, I usually choose conformity. I could choose differently, but I simply don’t want to deal with the fallout.

Sound Advice

A psychologist gave me some excellent advice. She said it’s okay to conform in certain situations when meeting new people, but it’s crucial to be selective about who you allow into your inner circle. If someone is easily offended by what I say or do, it likely means our personalities just don’t mesh – we’re too different. In that case, perhaps a close friendship isn’t the best fit. However, if I surround myself with people who think and behave similarly to me, I can be completely myself without constantly worrying about what I “can” and “can’t” say.

Embracing Solitude

These days, I tend to choose solitude because I genuinely enjoy it. But I’m confident that the psychologist’s advice will be incredibly valuable if I decide I want a more active social life in the future!

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Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.