S Asks (Reader Question)
Our 16-year-old son just finished middle school. He is autistic and has ADD, social anxiety, and likely ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). This fall, he’s starting high school in a different town, which means he’ll have to manage commuting by bus, eating school lunches, and navigating a completely new environment.
Right now, all he wants to do is stay in his room and game all summer. He refuses to wear shorts despite the heat, has no interest in socializing, and just wants to isolate himself with his computer. Should we just let him stay in his room? We’re also really worried about his weight and appetite; since he isn’t moving around and just games all day, his appetite is incredibly low. He is about 5’7″ (170 cm) and weighs only 88 lbs (40 kg).
Paula’s Response
Thank you for reaching out! You actually asked two separate questions about your son, so I’ve decided to split them up and answer them in separate posts to give each topic the focus it deserves. Today, I’ll be addressing your first question, and I will share my thoughts on the second one in the coming days.
We Are All Unique
It is incredibly common for someone on the spectrum to prefer sitting at their computer over going out in the summer heat. It’s tough for me to give you a definitive “right” answer on what to do, because we autistic people are all so different. Ever since my mid-20s, health and fitness has been a major special interest of mine, so from a purely physical standpoint, I think it’s wonderful when people stay active. At the same time, I know firsthand that when you’re autistic, you can’t always live life by the textbook. I’ve spoken with many parents of autistic children who found that life became so much easier the moment they stopped chasing perfection and simply let their children be.
Mental Health Comes First
I always say that we have to look at the big picture rather than just focusing on physical health. Mental well-being is every bit as important! Another autistic person told me recently that they would never want to live to a ripe old age if it meant having to constantly force themselves to live by the “healthy lifestyle” rulebook. Who knows, your son might feel the exact same way. He might genuinely hate being outside and moving around, whereas sitting at his computer is where he truly thrives. How does he seem to feel after the times he has gone outside? And on the flip side, how is his mood when you leave him to his own devices in his room all day?
Communication Is Key
If he actually seems happy and energized after spending time outside, then it’s worth trying to encourage him. It might also help to sit down and explain why you’re asking him to go out and move a bit. He might not fully understand the physical consequences of a completely sedentary lifestyle or a vitamin D deficiency. Long-term consequences can be abstract and difficult to grasp for many neurodivergent individuals, which is why it’s so important to explain the actual reasoning behind things like physical activity.
Finding the Right Fit
The ideal scenario would be finding a form of movement that he actually enjoys. If he is like me and enjoys repetitive, predictable tasks, he might like riding a stationary bike while reading or scrolling on his phone. However, if you can’t find an activity that clicks, forcing the issue will likely backfire and make him loathe exercise. If being in his room makes him feel safe and happy, it’s worth considering if letting him do just that might be the best option for now. Forcing someone outside when it genuinely distresses them only builds deeper resentment, which can lead to them refusing to step foot outside at all once they reach adulthood. Personally, I am completely against pressure and coercion.
Embracing the Need for Solitude
When it comes to the social aspect, many autistic people genuinely love their own company. Often, their only real problem is that society expects them to be social, leading people to constantly try to coax them out of their shell. It is vital to remember that “a good quality of life” can look entirely different to an autistic person than it does to someone who is neurotypical. If he says he’s perfectly content doing his own thing, I think you should accept that. Of course, if you suspect his withdrawal is actually a sign of depression or burnout, then he needs professional support. But it’s important to recognize that many people on the spectrum are happiest when left alone, and that has absolutely nothing to do with poor mental health. When solo time is simply part of who a person is, trying to force them into a conventional mold can do a lot of psychological harm.
Reach Out to a Specialist
As for his weight, I highly recommend consulting a healthcare professional as soon as possible. To me, that weight sounds incredibly low. It is very possible that he struggles with interoception (meaning he can’t accurately read his body’s internal hunger cues), or he might find the sensory experience of most foods unappealing. There is a real risk that he isn’t getting the nutrients he needs, so getting guidance from a registered dietitian should be a top priority.
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