A Worried Mom Asks
My 21-year-old daughter is at university, studying a specialized course and living away from home. She doesn’t have a formal autism diagnosis, but both she and I suspect she might be on the spectrum. She’s bright and has two strong passions, one of which she’s pursuing in her studies. She hasn’t felt the need to get a diagnosis, and probably won’t. Her biggest challenge is definitely social interaction. She’s always had a few friends, but those friendships haven’t lasted – they’ve changed throughout middle and high school, and none have stuck.
She’s very direct and honest, which can sometimes make navigating social situations tricky. She struggles with social cues, doesn’t see the point of small talk, and finds it hard to come up with questions about things she’s not interested in. She tends to expect people to share things if they want to, rather than asking about them herself. Sometimes she gets upset about not having close friends to do things with, like going to concerts. She’s not lonely day-to-day – she has acquaintances at school – but it bothers her nonetheless. How can I best support her? I’ve always tried to encourage her to ask questions and show interest in others, but I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing.
Understanding the Pressure to Fit In
It’s really common for parents of young adults on the spectrum to worry about their child’s social life. But whether your daughter is diagnosed, just has autistic traits, or is neurotypical, the most important thing is that she gets to be herself and live the life she wants – period.
The Masking Phenomenon
The key question is: what does your daughter want when it comes to friendships? Is she looking for friends for her own sake, because she feels she should have them, or to meet other people’s expectations? Most people enjoy the connection that friendships bring, but it’s not uncommon for those of us with autism – especially autistic women – to “mask,” which means mimicking others and trying to fit in.
Is Socializing Her Choice?
I was encouraged to be social growing up, and spent a lot of energy trying to make friends when I was younger. It wasn’t until later that I realized how much I thrive in solitude. Not that I don’t enjoy spending time with others, but I get a lot of energy and feel most at peace when I’m on my own. I used to feel socially exhausted – now I understand that was simply overstimulation. It’s crucial that no one on the autism spectrum feels pressured to have friends just because society expects it, and that it’s okay to be happy being alone. So, I’d suggest you check in and make sure your daughter genuinely enjoys her social interactions. I’m not saying she doesn’t, just that it’s worth making sure it’s her own desire.
Making Conscious Choices
If she assures you she does want friends, it’s good that she’s aware of what other people often look for in social relationships. You’ve already explained that most people expect small talk and questions. It’s important she understands that, but it should still be her choice whether to adapt or stay true to herself. She should be making a conscious decision, which is easier when she understands what others want.
The Weight of Expectations
Many autistic people – myself included – have felt a lot of pressure to change, because we’ve been told we’re not good enough as we are. And trying to be someone you’re not can really damage your self-esteem. I was told growing up to broaden my interests to match others’, and that meant I never really learned to fully relax. Looking back, I conformed far too much. That’s why I think you should support her in deciding how she wants to proceed. Does she want to try to learn the ropes of small talk? Or does she want to be herself and find like-minded friends who don’t prioritize it? Ask her open-ended questions and let her lead the way!
Finding Your Tribe
Even if she doesn’t have a formal diagnosis, I think she could benefit from finding friends within the autistic community. If she decides she doesn’t have the energy for small talk, it’s important she finds people who share her interests and don’t expect it. It’s hard to maintain a lasting friendship with someone who doesn’t reciprocate, so if she’s looking for a deep connection, finding someone similar is a good idea. Some autistic people are quiet and introverted and prefer doing activities alongside others rather than constantly chatting. If she enjoys writing, she could look for penpals on the spectrum. She could also attend autism meetups – when I went, many people were perfectly content just being present in a quiet, low-demand atmosphere.
Leave a comment or read other people’s comments on this post. By submitting a comment, you agree to my comment rules.
Book Me
Please reach out to me via the contact form if you’d like to book me for a lecture on autism or an interview about my life with autism. You can find more information about me and my lectures here.
Follow Me
Feel free to follow my blog via Facebook, Instagram or RSS. To follow the blog via RSS, you’ll need an RSS reader. Some examples include Fluent Reader (Windows) or Raven (Windows/Mac OS/Linux), Feeder (Android), or NetNewsWire (iOS). Simply copy the blog’s RSS feed address into the reader.
If You Need Emotional Support
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.