How Can I Value Myself as an Autistic Person?

Anna Asks

I’m really struggling with logical reasoning tasks, but a recent cognitive assessment with a psychologist still indicated average intelligence. I keep making silly mistakes – the most recent was putting my compression socks on over my regular socks while I was providing care for a client!

I took a quick online IQ test (just a three-question one) and failed everything, which has left me feeling really discouraged. The test did say I’m above average in verbal skills and visual-spatial reasoning, but I’m getting stuck on what I can’t do. What can I do to stop being so hard on myself?

Paula Responds

It’s disheartening to hear you’re having a tough time with self-acceptance. I recently wrote a blog post with tips on managing visuospatial difficulties related to autism. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, or if it would be helpful, but I recommend taking a look!

Stop Focusing on IQ

My first piece of advice is to try and let go of the focus on IQ scores. Some autistic people – including you – have exceptional abilities in certain areas, while others don’t have any particular strengths and might score lower on average. But it’s important to remember that IQ doesn’t determine your quality of life!

It’s Perfectly Okay to Need Support

Autism researcher Lena Nylander actually points out in her book that autistic people with lower cognitive abilities often report a better quality of life than those with higher intelligence. Of course, everyone is different, and not all autistic people with lower intelligence are happy, but the point is that life isn’t ruined just because you face challenges – regardless of your strengths or weaknesses. There’s a common misconception that you have to handle everything on your own. Some people express pity that I need support with housing, but I find it quite funny! You really don’t need to do everything yourself, and it’s perfectly okay to accept help when you need it.

Everyone is Equally Valuable

To accept yourself, it’s important to recognize that a person’s worth isn’t based on achievement. A humanist perspective—believing everyone has inherent value—should be your starting point. A functionalist perspective, on the other hand, judges people based on what they accomplish, but I think it’s important to move away from that idea and focus on the humanist view, where everyone is equally valuable regardless of their achievements. Remind yourself that you are important to your loved ones, and that they (hopefully) love you for who you are, not what you achieve. If that isn’t the case, it might be worth considering whether those relationships are healthy for you.

I Don’t Care What Others Can Do

Stop comparing yourself to others. Many people would see me as someone who has failed at a lot of things. I struggled with practical subjects at school, like home economics and crafts, I wasn’t successful as an au pair, and I couldn’t even learn to use a cash register when I worked in a shop! But I’m happy today! I don’t worry about what others can do; I focus on finding solutions that make my everyday life as good as possible.

I Want a Life That Works

Of course, I have challenges that neurotypical people don’t, but I’ve also managed to create a life that works for me, and I wouldn’t trade it. I certainly have strengths too, but that’s not the most important thing to me. The most important thing is that my life is manageable and that I get the support I need—which I sometimes do, and sometimes don’t.

Autism is Both a Strength and a Weakness

For me, it’s important to be honest with myself and acknowledge what makes life difficult. Even if you’re proud to be autistic, have strengths, and enjoy your life, it’s perfectly okay to admit that certain aspects of autism are challenging. For example, I see no benefit in my uneven cognitive profile or the practical challenges I face, because they create a lot of problems. But instead of trying to convince myself that “it’s always 100% fantastic to have autism,” I prefer to say that autism is both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength.

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Book Me

Please reach out to me via the contact form if you’d like to book me for a lecture on autism or an interview about my life with autism. You can find more information about me and my lectures here.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.