A Parent’s Question
We were planning to practice ordering food and grocery shopping with our son this summer. Since he’s starting high school in the fall, we’re worried he won’t want to eat in the school cafeteria.
However, he has absolutely no interest in practicing and doesn’t seem to grasp the consequences of not learning these skills. How important is it to prepare him before school starts? Is it possible to push him too hard and have it backfire? We love him so much, and it’s so hard to know if we’re doing the right thing!
Paula’s Response
This is the second part of my response regarding your 16-year-old son, who has autism, ADD, social anxiety, and ARFID. (You can find Part 1 here.)
Understanding the Root Cause
When someone on the autism spectrum is reluctant to practice new skills, there can be several reasons behind it. Sometimes, they simply don’t see how taking that risk will benefit them in the long run. More often than not, however, the resistance comes down to energy. They instinctively feel that the energy required to practice is far too high, making the effort feel entirely not worth the cost.
The Toll of Constant “Challenges”
I personally fell into that second category. For years, I forced myself to practice various skills and “step out of my comfort zone” because everyone around me insisted it would be good for me. In reality, it made me miserable. If the people in my life hadn’t pushed me so hard, my youth probably would have been much happier. As an adult, I spent a long time in therapy before finally realizing that I didn’t constantly need to “challenge” or “improve” myself. I regret pushing myself through things that caused me so much distress, and I deeply wish my support system had just let me be.
Talk Openly with Your Son
While I can’t say for sure what is best for your son, in my experience, autistic individuals are far more likely to be harmed by excessive pressure than to regret not pushing themselves sooner. I suggest having an open conversation with him. Ask him how he feels about these tasks and whether trying them makes him feel overwhelmed or anxious. Make it absolutely clear that you respect his choice if he isn’t ready, and reassure him that your love for him doesn’t depend on whether he learns how to grocery shop. If you don’t offer this reassurance, there is a strong chance he will agree to do it just to please you, even if it severely impacts his mental health.
Yes, You Can Push Too Hard
It is absolutely possible to push someone on the spectrum too far. Many autistic people are highly sensitive and can feel deeply overwhelmed by external expectations and demands. Transitioning to a new high school is already a massive adjustment; adding more demands right now might just be too much for him to carry. He may very well want to learn how to shop once he has settled into his new school routine and has some mental bandwidth to spare. But even if he never wants to learn, the most important thing is simply ensuring he gets fed. Could he perhaps bring packed lunches from home instead of navigating the cafeteria or local shops?
Considering the Role of Social Anxiety
So far, I’ve assumed his reluctance comes primarily from his autism. However, avoidance can also be driven by social anxiety (which you mentioned he is diagnosed with). If anxiety is the main barrier, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be incredibly helpful—provided you can find a therapist who truly understands autism. With CBT, exposure exercises are done in a safe, controlled way, but your son and his therapist must be the ones setting the pace. If a task like grocery shopping is too overwhelming at first, a skilled therapist will start with much smaller, more manageable steps. Keep in mind, though, that CBT treats conditions like anxiety and phobias—it does not “treat” autism. Sensory overload and social challenges are inherent to autism, which is a lifelong neurotype, not something to be cured.
Exploring Support Services
Society often expects autistic people to constantly train and adapt so they can live as if they aren’t autistic. But the reality is that being on the spectrum affects how you navigate the world. Aiming for a completely “neurotypical” life is often unrealistic and exhausting. This is why disability support services exist: to provide accommodations and assistance for things that might be much harder for your son than for his peers. If an autistic person finds a task insurmountably difficult, the answer isn’t always to force them to practice until they get it. Often, the healthier and more sustainable solution is to arrange for professional support—as long as it’s something your son actually wants!
Leave a comment or read other people’s comments on this post. By submitting a comment, you agree to my comment rules.
Book Me
Please reach out to me via the contact form if you’d like to book me for a lecture on autism or an interview about my life with autism. You can find more information about me and my lectures here.
Follow Me
Feel free to follow my blog via Facebook, Instagram or RSS. To follow the blog via RSS, you’ll need an RSS reader. Some examples include Fluent Reader (Windows) or Raven (Windows/Mac OS/Linux), Feeder (Android), or NetNewsWire (iOS). Simply copy the blog’s RSS feed address into the reader.
If You Need Emotional Support
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.