As someone on the autism spectrum, I’m often labeled as a “rule follower” – even a bit of a stickler. It’s been suggested I have a tendency to point out when others aren’t following guidelines, and to insist on getting what I believe is rightfully mine. I remember this vividly from childhood. I used to get frustrated when our school rules stated specific lesson times, yet some classmates were consistently late. It just seemed wrong, so I’d mention it. This annoyed my classmates, and even my teacher, who explained that the rules weren’t that rigid, and I shouldn’t call out every small infraction.
Confusion Over Inconsistency
I didn’t understand her point. It struck me as odd that the rules said one thing, but it was apparently okay to ignore them. It was deeply confusing. Why was being late acceptable when the rules clearly stated punctuality? I thought if the rules weren’t meant to be followed, they should be removed altogether, but nobody else saw it that way. They simply thought I was being too literal.
Learning to Stay Silent
As I got older, I stopped pointing out rule-breaking, not because I accepted it, but because I didn’t want to be seen as difficult or annoying. It felt counterintuitive – I would have appreciated a similar correction if I had broken a rule. But I began to realize I didn’t need to understand everything, just to conform to certain social norms. And the norm seemed to be a relaxed approach to rules, accepting them being broken without comment. Over time, I even started breaking rules myself, because I learned that’s what others did. I remember starting to chew gum in class, even though it wasn’t allowed. It felt strange, but I wanted to fit in.
Still Navigating Rules as an Adult
Now, at 47, I still struggle to understand this whole dynamic with rules. The difference is, I keep my observations to myself to avoid irritating people. As a result, nobody realizes what’s going on inside my head – a perfect example of masking. Despite my attempts to blend in, so much remains unclear. For instance, which rules are we supposed to follow, and which are we allowed to bend? Take support workers, for example. If they’re five minutes late to an appointment, I immediately see that as a violation of the agreed-upon time. But, socially, a five-minute delay is considered perfectly acceptable.
The Difficulty of Setting Boundaries
One of the reasons I hesitate to speak up is because I don’t want to be labeled as fussy. If I lend a friend ten cents, I automatically expect it back. But I’ve been laughed at for trying to reclaim even that small amount! Yet, if I borrowed ten cents, I’d want to repay it. It feels like a simple application of the Golden Rule – “treat others as you’d like to be treated.” But what happens when others have different expectations?
Past Experiences and the Fear of Judgement
When I was younger, I once asked someone to return ten cents they’d borrowed, and I was met with strange looks and condescending smiles. I felt like I’d done something wrong, which has made me reluctant to ask for money back, even larger amounts. It’s hard to know where to draw the line: is two dollars okay to request? Five? Ten? Fifty? A hundred?
A Dollar’s Worth
The truth is, one dollar was a significant sum when I was living on welfare. Yet, even then, I didn’t dare ask for it back after that initial negative reaction. It seems odd to me, because one dollar can be far more impactful to someone on a limited income than ten dollars is to someone who’s employed full-time.
The Need for Respect
I often wish my boundaries were respected instead of dismissed. Even if asking for ten cents seems excessive, an autistic person should be able to assert their boundaries without ridicule. I can adapt, but the consequences of doing so haven’t always been positive. And unfortunately, I haven’t always dared to ask for money back even if people have borrowed fairly large sums from me. I’ve had bad experiences when asking for ten cents back, so I haven’t known where to draw the line! And afterward, I’ve realized that some people have taken advantage of that as my previous experiences with even small amounts have left me unsure where to draw the line.
Leave a comment or read other people’s comments on this post. By submitting a comment, you agree to my comment rules.
Book Me
Please reach out to me via the contact form if you’d like to book me for a lecture on autism or an interview about my life with autism. You can find more information about me and my lectures here.
Follow Me
Feel free to follow my blog via Facebook, Instagram or RSS. To follow the blog via RSS, you’ll need an RSS reader. Some examples include Fluent Reader (Windows) or Raven (Windows/Mac OS/Linux), Feeder (Android), or NetNewsWire (iOS). Simply copy the blog’s RSS feed address into the reader.
If You Need Emotional Support
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.