Autism & Social Training: A Good Idea?

IH asks (Part 2)

The psychologist encourages us parents to practice various social skills with our autistic child – everything from playing games and building Lego together, to role-playing and practicing social phrases. I shared this in a Facebook group and received a lot of criticism – people said it was wrong and would damage the child’s self-esteem. I’m really interested in hearing your perspective. What’s reasonable? We parents are feeling very insecure. Shouldn’t we practice these things with our child so they can benefit in social situations? We just want what’s best for them.

Paula replies

Hello again, and thank you for sending in your second question. For those who aren’t aware, part one was published previously. This concerns a child with autism, and potentially intellectual disability, and today I’m responding to the question about social skills training. You also asked about limiting the child’s activities and interests, but while writing my response to the social training question, I realized it would be quite lengthy. Therefore, I’m dividing the response into several parts so I can explain everything thoroughly and focus on one topic at a time. I have a lot to say about both social training and limiting special interests in autistic individuals.

It’s a shame you received negative reactions when asking a perfectly reasonable question. As you say, you just want the best for your child and for them to be happy. I hope you didn’t take the criticism personally! The words “social training” and the very concept of “training” often evoke strong feelings in autistic people. Many of us have had very negative experiences with social training, which means we react strongly when the word “training” is used in connection with autism.

My own experiences

Let me explain a little more clearly. As autistic people, we rarely got to simply be ourselves; instead, we were pressured to conform. We often received rewards when we deviated from our true selves and started behaving as if we didn’t have autism. I have personal experience with this. When I was at school, the teacher noticed I used to stand alone during recess, and she encouraged me to go up to my classmates and ask if I could join their ball game. I initially refused, and we had a discussion. The teacher was very insistent, as it apparently was very important that I participate!

My brain never got to rest

Because I was different from the other children, adults were often dissatisfied with me, which damaged my self-esteem. Therefore, I was especially keen to please the teacher. I did as she said, and soon I was playing ball every recess. I received a lot of praise and was told I had improved! But the truth was, I hated playing ball. After being forced to play with my classmates, my quality of life deteriorated. It wasn’t fun, it just drained my energy. It felt like my brain never got to rest, but the teacher was pleased.

I strained myself to the limit

From that experience, I learned that it wasn’t okay to be alone. I went out of my way to be with my classmates and started initiating new games and activities – but only because I knew I’d get praise from adults for doing so! Sometimes I was brave enough to try and avoid socializing, but then I’d receive criticism and have to give in. And that’s how my life became: even though I’m introverted and love being alone, I was forced to live a very social life instead of spending recess by myself.

It affected me for years after

This affected my life for almost two decades! I had learned that it’s not okay to differ from the norm, and that if I think and feel differently from most people, my feelings don’t matter. I believed I had to do what others wanted, and that it was best for me because “everyone” said so. I also wanted to be as “capable” as everyone else. I genuinely believed you had failed if you spent too much time alone, and that it would be harmful in the long run.

Finally felt happiness

That’s my story. The people who criticized you on Facebook may have had different experiences, but what unites us is that we’ve felt terrible about not being allowed to be autistic. We’ve had low self-esteem due to societal expectations and have tried to suppress our autistic traits. A psychologist once told me that denying your autism is like denying your sexual orientation. I don’t know what it’s like to suppress your sexuality because I have no personal experience with it, but it could absolutely be the same thing! A homosexual person shouldn’t have to do exercises to become heterosexual.

Reacting to the word “training”

That’s why we autistic people often have our guard up when we hear the word “social training” – it’s the word “training” that triggers us. However, few people would object to a child – whether autistic or neurotypical – learning to understand what others expect. It can be beneficial for autistic individuals to learn how neurotypical people think, and vice versa. Understanding and respect should go both ways, and neurotypicals should also learn to understand us autistic people!

The autistic person should be given a choice

What I’m trying to say is that I think it’s good if an autistic child learns to understand the rules around things like taking turns and how neurotypical people often interact with others. However, the exercises should be fun and enriching for the autistic child! And the autistic child should never feel like they are not good enough as they are and need to change. An autistic person might benefit from understanding that many neurotypical people expect eye contact – but at the same time, the autistic person should get to choose whether or not they want to practice it!

Happened entirely on my terms

An example of exercises I did with a previous support worker was practicing dress codes. When I was 30 years old, I wanted to give a lecture wearing short, tight leather shorts and fishnet stockings and didn’t understand why it was inappropriate! I was interested in learning why neurotypicals thought the outfit was inappropriate, so the support worker explained the rules to me. When we were in clothing stores, I sometimes got to decide for myself if an outfit was appropriate or inappropriate, and my support worker helped me. Thanks to the exercises, I became better at dress codes, but I’m still not as good at it as an average neurotypical person. But in this case, the exercises happened entirely on my terms, which is how it should be.

Pay attention to the child’s signals

If your child enjoys playing games and building Lego (not all autistic people do), I see no problem with practicing turn-taking and other social interactions that way – as long as your child isn’t overwhelmed and finds it fun! Pay attention to your child’s signals. Also, make sure to explain to the child that you’re doing the exercises so they can understand how other people interact with each other – not so they themselves have to become neurotypical.

However, I’m hesitant to suggest you limit your child’s special interests, and in my next blog post I will explain why!

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