Autism Reveals Why I Avoid Debates

More than 22 years ago, I was diagnosed with autism, and since then I’ve been learning strategies to make my daily life as easy and smooth as possible. It all comes down to conserving energy. People with neurodivergent conditions often experience a regular day as incredibly draining, and it’s certainly something I won’t grow out of. Before receiving my diagnosis, I used to think that pushing myself into difficult situations was a good thing, but it never worked! At therapy, I learned to do the opposite: to listen to myself and avoid situations that are overwhelming, stressful and make me feel bad.

It’s Probably Linked to My Autism

Something I’ve always struggled with is debating. It’s not that I lack opinions, but that it takes a lot of energy to formulate convincing arguments for why I feel the way I do. I only realized later that it was probably linked to my autism. I have an opinion, but I can’t always find the words to express my thoughts. And when I was younger, others would take advantage of that.

My Self-Esteem Suffered

People would argue, for example, that it was okay to steal from stores. Luckily, I never stole myself, because my parents had taught me it was wrong. But the fact that I didn’t steal, even when hearing arguments trying to justify it, lowered my self-esteem. I simply couldn’t articulate reasonable arguments against stealing, and it made me feel like maybe I was wrong and the other people were right.

I Don’t Have to Argue

Years ago, while talking to a psychologist at therapy, I learned that I don’t have to argue my points at all. I can absolutely share what I think if I want to and have the energy, but if others don’t agree with me, it’s perfectly okay to change the subject. I’m not obligated to think and feel like others, even if they have a lot of arguments for opinions I don’t share. They might argue why a particular religion is the only correct one, or why homosexuality is harmful. Of course, I can say I disagree, but when people just keep offering counter-arguments I can’t respond to, it’s okay to end the discussion or change the topic.

It’s Often Pointless

There’s another aspect to it, too. Debating with someone who has completely opposing views is often pointless. There’s a social-psychological phenomenon called confirmation bias, which means we humans tend to absorb information that confirms our existing beliefs and dismiss facts that contradict them. So, if someone has a very strong conviction, it’s unlikely they’ll change their mind, no matter how much you debate. Sure, if you enjoy arguing and debating, go for it. But I see no reason to exert myself, because it just drains my energy. Politicians need to be good at debating, but I don’t.

I Change the Subject

Sometimes I encounter people who have a vastly different worldview than I do. Some might think it’s okay to make fun of transgender people or people with cognitive disabilities. Others might have a functionalist view of humanity and believe your achievements determine your worth. Some may believe that autistic people are just lazy and entitled, and that we exaggerate our challenges. If I’m talking to someone like that, I can explain why I disagree, but if they continue to debate, I change the subject. I’m not going to be able to change their worldview anyway, and I want to conserve my energy. Leaving the topic doesn’t mean I agree with them! Besides, I would never let someone with such different values get close to me in the first place.

I Wish More Autistics Understood This

I wish that all autistic people could learn that they are entitled to their opinions even if they can’t argue for them with words. If an autistic person hasn’t realized this, there’s a risk they’ll be manipulated or have their self-esteem lowered because they might believe they’re always obligated to explain themselves, or that their opinions are worthless if they can’t defend them. “I don’t want to argue, but this is actually what I think” is a perfectly valid answer, and you’re not obligated to elaborate. Tony Attwood has written in his book that some autistic people have a tendency to use primitive methods to resolve conflicts. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if that’s because the autistic person feels threatened and overwhelmed, because they can’t defend their position with words!

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