Over the past few weeks, I’ve been writing about personality, and you can find those posts here, here, here, here and here. Today, I’d like to summarise what I’ve discussed.
The Five-Factor Model
As a quick refresher, let me remind you of the personality dimensions in the five-factor model. Openness refers to a willingness to try new things, explore different places, and meet new people – a desire to break routine and have broad interests. Conscientiousness means being goal-oriented, reliable, meticulous, and following instructions carefully. Extroversion involves being adventurous, warm, sociable, and energetic, and enjoying being around groups more than one-on-one. Agreeableness means being forgiving, humble, and cooperative. Finally, neuroticism involves being tense, nervous, sensitive, and insecure.
Am I Accepted for Who I Am?
After reading those posts, I’d like you to consider how you rate on these dimensions, and whether you feel accepted for who you are. Those of us on the spectrum are often unique because we differ from the neurotypical norm, and we are often told that we should change certain behaviours. But if those behaviours are part of our personality and serve a purpose, trying to pretend to be someone we’re not can be harmful!
I Didn’t Want to See More Than That
Let me give you an example from my own experience. Openness is often highly valued in our society, but since I have autism, I have limited interests and dislike change. Consequently, I often don’t meet other people’s expectations. When I travel to give lectures about autism, I do it for work, but I rarely see any value in exploring new cities. When I worked in Norway for the first time in my life, people wondered why I stayed in my hotel room in my free time instead of taking a walk around town – it apparently looked like a missed opportunity. But I enjoyed the view from my balcony! I simply wanted to rest after the lecture – that’s what I always want, whether I’m at home or travelling. It’s part of my routine.
I Stayed in the Hotel Room
When I was younger, I often gave in to pressure to see as much as possible when travelling. I visited castles, museums, and tried new foods because that’s what was expected. But I didn’t truly enjoy those trips! After receiving my autism diagnosis, I visited Paris with my then-husband and his best friend. Getting diagnosed was a turning point: I finally had the confidence to stay in the hotel room for almost the entire stay – that’s what I wanted. Afterwards, I was glad I had listened to myself and hadn’t worried about it being a ‘wasted’ vacation.
I Said No to Vocational Training
After getting diagnosed, I received disability benefits for several years. Some benefit assessors tried to get me interested in vocational training, apparently believing it wasn’t good for me to stay home all day. But they didn’t understand that this was exactly the life I longed for! I absolutely wasn’t interested in organised social activity. I’m introverted and thrive at home! Involuntary and forced social interaction causes me mental health problems.
It’s the Opposite for Me
Understanding who I am has also helped me understand which personality types I get along with best. Some people who score high on openness can have difficulty understanding me. They get frustrated that I don’t want to broaden my interests or try new foods, and some feel sorry for me, believing my life would be more meaningful if I did. But it’s quite the opposite!
I Have Trouble with Judgmental People
I do, however, have the most difficulty interacting with people who score low on agreeableness. Most people probably feel the same way, but I’m deeply upset when someone is judgmental and condemns people with addictions, refugees, transgender people, criminals, overweight people, or victims of domestic violence. I also struggle with people who dwell on old grievances, as I simply want peace and quiet, and to accept others as they are, as long as they don’t harm anyone.
Ignore Society’s Ideals
Remember that you are good enough as you are, whether you have autism or not! Our society often values extroversion over introversion, and openness over a more focused set of interests. But try to ignore those societal ideals! If you feel good about yourself, it’s okay to embrace yourself, regardless of what society tells you about needing organised activity outside the home. If you ignore your own needs and don’t embrace your personality, you’ll be miserable!
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If You Need Emotional Support
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.