Carina Asks
My adult son has traits of autism. He is now an adult with his own child and one on the way. I keep hearing that I did so much wrong when he was little, and I feel like I can’t say anything to his child. What should I do?
Paula replies
Congratulations on the new grandchild! It sounds like your son has autistic traits, but it’s important to remember that having traits isn’t the same as a diagnosis. Regardless, parenting a child with any kind of special needs can be challenging, and parents sometimes react in ways that aren’t ideal – and that’s true whether or not there’s a formal diagnosis.
You’re both likely feeling hurt
I suspect you’re feeling hurt, misunderstood, and maybe even unappreciated. It’s natural to feel a little stung when your adult child criticizes your parenting, especially after all you’ve done for him. At the same time, he may feel you didn’t fully understand or support his needs growing up. It seems like you’re both feeling a bit let down.
Try having an open conversation
I think the best thing to do is have a calm, honest conversation with your son. Ask him specifically what he means when he says you made mistakes, and what he wished you had done differently. Try really hard not to get defensive – just listen and try to understand his perspective. It’s also worth considering if he has a point. Even if you were doing your best, he might not have felt supported or understood. A simple apology for any unintentional hurt, along with sharing your own side of the story – explaining that you genuinely tried your best and love him – could make a big difference.
Respect their parenting choices
Regarding your grandchildren, ask yourself if you need to offer advice. Most parents are perfectly capable of raising their children, and unsolicited advice from grandparents isn’t usually welcomed. If you’re actually caring for the child, of course, you have a responsibility to intervene if they’re in danger. But if you haven’t been asked to babysit, I think it’s best to let your son and daughter-in-law make their own decisions about how to raise their kids – things like diet, bedtime, and house rules.
Good luck
I really believe that a calm conversation about the past, combined with respecting your son and daughter-in-law’s parenting choices, will help improve your relationship with them and allow you to enjoy your grandchildren.
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