Autism, Agreeableness and Exploitation

How often have you said “yes” to avoid conflict, even when you really wanted to say “no”? Have you ever been taken advantage of because you were too kind? Do you often feel exhausted because everyone turns to you for their problems? Are you forgiving and always try to see the good in people? Today, we continue a blog series on autistic personality based on the five-factor model (OCEAN). You can find the previous posts in this series here, here, here and here. Today, we’re focusing on the personality factor Agreeableness.

The Person Who Scores High on Agreeableness

So, what’s it like to score high on Agreeableness? Well, such a person is altruistic (thoughtful, warm, and not selfish), forgiving, humble, modest (doesn’t look down on others!), cooperative, reliable, and helpful. Someone who scores low on this personality dimension – the opposite of a benevolent person – tends to be cynical, suspicious, rude, manipulative, easily irritated, and vengeful.

Some Fall in the Middle

Of course, it’s also possible to fall somewhere in the middle. Such a person might be suspicious and cynical – perhaps having low trust in others and dwelling on old grievances – but also polite and not manipulative. You don’t have to be one or the other, but some people are very kind and benevolent, while others are very much the opposite!

There are Pros and Cons

Psychology Professor Nigel Holt and his co-authors write in their book that the personality factor Agreeableness has both advantages and disadvantages. The advantage is that people who score high on this factor tend to have strong social relationships and support, but the disadvantage is that they are at risk of being exploited and bullied, and may also neglect their own interests and needs. A healthy dose of egoism can be a positive trait, but kind people can have trouble thinking about themselves and their needs.

Not All Autistics Are the Same

Some believe that autistic people always score low on the Agreeableness personality factor. It’s often said that autistic people tend to dwell on past grievances – for example, some who were bullied in school decades ago still harbor anger and resentment towards their former bullies. At the same time, autistic people are sometimes perceived as selfish and not particularly warm or pleasant. But most people who have worked with autistic individuals know that this isn’t true of everyone!

Extreme Cases Exist

Some autistic individuals prioritize the needs of others to an extreme extent, something that neurotypical people may find hard to imagine. On top of this, autistic people often have to consider sensory sensitivities and social exhaustion – factors that neurotypical people don’t usually face to the same degree, making it difficult for them to say no. I once met an autistic woman who exemplified extreme Agreeableness: she entered into a romantic relationship and moved in with someone, even though she had never been in love with him, wasn’t attracted to him, and didn’t even particularly like him. She had simply had trouble turning him down when he showed interest – so to please him, she had gotten together with him and eventually moved in together.

I Don’t Bear Any Grudge

I myself probably score extremely high on the Agreeableness personality dimension. For example, I don’t bear any grudge towards my former bullies. I’m very forgiving and believe they were children and teenagers at the time, and it’s known that minors and young adults may not fully understand the consequences of their actions. I’m also humble and believe that many people can become bullies under certain circumstances. Imagine if I hadn’t been autistic and hadn’t been bullied – maybe I would have been a bully myself! Of course, I honestly struggle to believe I could have been a bully because I have such strong values about treating everyone with respect, but what if…? I refuse to see my former bullies as evil. I want to believe that at least some of my former bullies have grown into kind and thoughtful adults, and I wish them no harm.

I’m Not Judgmental

Similarly, I’m not vengeful and have never judged criminals, people with substance abuse disorders, or those who choose to be in relationships with them. I have never been interested in being with a criminal myself, but I still don’t want to judge those people. I know that some people are evil and genuinely enjoy humiliating others, but I choose to ignore them and focus on the good in humanity.

Forgiveness Has Helped Me

Being forgiving and non-judgmental has been a great help in my life. I see it as a strength because bitterness and dwelling on the past would only make me feel worse. If I had been cynical and scored lower on the Agreeableness personality dimension, I probably would have struggled with mental illness long ago, as autistic people are often at a significantly greater risk of being bullied. For me, it’s positive to be able to let go of old grievances and move on. I also avoid people who have a negative view of humanity and dwell on the past, because I think they spread negativity.

I’ve Been Taken Advantage Of

However, this high level of Agreeableness has also caused me trouble, as I have often been taken advantage of by others. Even when I had a low income – and even while on disability benefits – I sometimes lent money to people who hadn’t repaid previous loans, simply to help them out. But I’ve learned to set boundaries and prioritize my own well-being.

Camouflaging Autistics May Score High

I suspect that autistic people who camouflage may score high on the Agreeableness personality dimension, as they try to adapt to make others happy and meet their expectations. Many autistic people have experienced that camouflage isn’t good in the long run, as it means constantly suppressing our own needs and preferences to please others. However, it’s also possible that some autistic people pretend to be kind and benevolent as a form of camouflage, because they’ve learned that the environment responds positively to these traits!

Leave a comment or read other people’s comments on this post. By submitting a comment, you agree to my comment rules.

Book Me

Please reach out to me via the contact form if you’d like to book me for a lecture on autism or an interview about my life with autism. You can find more information about me and my lectures here.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.