An Autistic Brain Must Work Harder

When I run into problems in everyday life, I can’t help but think about how easily things come to people without disabilities. It’s frustrating to see how much energy they save on daily tasks, leaving them with more for other things. Even though I often write about how content I am with my life and wouldn’t trade it, I have to be honest: there are moments when I wish I wasn’t autistic.

A Lump Formed in My Stomach

This weekend, I faced a challenge I completely failed to overcome. I received a notification that a package had been delivered to a package locker, and I immediately felt anxious about how the delivery worked. I suspected something would go wrong—I struggle with instructions, coordinating movements, and interpreting visual information. Unfortunately, I hadn’t ordered the package myself and had no choice. I would have preferred a different delivery method, but I didn’t have a support worker available (I’m getting a new one soon!) and the package had to be collected within three days. I was on my own.

Tried to Prepare Myself

I tried to prepare as best I could. I watched a few instructional videos on how the package locker system worked, even though I find video clips difficult to follow. In the videos, it looked simple—just enter the code and the locker would open. I hoped I’d understood correctly, but that’s how it appeared in the videos.

Couldn’t Make Sense of It

When I arrived at the supermarket where the lockers were located, I entered the code. A map then appeared on the screen, indicating which locker would open. “Why are there no numbers and no written instructions on how to find the locker?” I thought, horrified. I’d expected to see something like “locker number XX will open,” but it was just a map. I stared at it, completely lost. I need time to process visual information.

Can’t Get the Big Picture

Since I couldn’t decipher the map, I decided to search for the correct locker myself. I went through each locker, one by one, hoping to spot one that was slightly ajar. My brain struggles to process visual information quickly, so I can’t scan everything at once and get an overview. It needs time to process what it sees. I had no idea where the locker was supposed to be, so I had to check them all carefully.

Told to Call

Suddenly, a countdown timer started on the screen, showing how many seconds were left before the locker would close. I panicked and rushed to find the right locker, but failed. The locker closed before I could locate it. I went inside the supermarket and asked the staff for help, but they weren’t responsible for the package lockers and told me to contact customer service.

Received a New Code

I returned to the package lockers, but the loud ventilation made it impossible to think. It was also noisy outside. I have a hearing impairment and struggle to hear anyone on the phone when there’s background noise. Reluctantly, I went home and called customer service. I received a new code and was told the locker was furthest to the right, sixth from the top. I went back, entered the code, and the locker opened. Now I could see it, because I knew exactly which one it was!

All’s Well That Ends Well?

End of story, right? Not quite. The locker was EMPTY! There was nothing inside. I checked several times, but it was completely bare. I have no idea what happened to my package. Had someone stolen it? As I understood it, the locker should have relocked if I didn’t collect the package in time. Perhaps the package locker staff would deliver it to me later (I really hope so!), or maybe they delivered it to someone else who opened the locker and took it. Right now, it’s unclear what happened, and customer service hasn’t been able to give me any clear answers.

My Brain Works Slowly

I’ve spent a lot of energy on this, and I’m upset I didn’t receive my package. Having a cognitive disability is expensive, because it often leads to financial loss when things like this happen. In situations like these, I think about how, if I were neurotypical, I wouldn’t have encountered these problems. It’s hard for others to understand how it’s even possible for someone’s brain not to immediately register which package locker is open. For me, it’s a mystery how a typical brain can detect such things without effort. Most people can just look and get an overview, but my brain has to examine all the details individually, and it takes time to process what it sees.

Proof I Need Support

The fact that most people can do this effortlessly, while I can’t, proves that I really need support. Many wonder what I need it for and claim I don’t have any more difficulties than other people, that I’m exaggerating—that I’m not as autistic as I think. But if you can’t pick up a package from a locker without a struggle, it’s no surprise you also need help with household chores. My brain has to work harder than a neurotypical brain. Because I’ve always been this way, it’s become normal for me, but in situations like these, I sometimes wonder if neurotypicals who don’t have cognitive disabilities or illnesses that limit their lives truly understand how much they take for granted.

It Takes Energy to Live with Autism

And yes, I know: there are many autistic people who are exceptionally quick at noticing details and spotting an open locker, but others often have to expend energy on things neurotypicals don’t need to worry about. We autistic people are all very different, but one thing is certain: it takes energy to be autistic.

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Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if life feels hopeless! Here’s a list of helplines and phone support services in the US you can contact if you need assistance. For people outside the US this page lists helplines for people in need of immediate mental help support during a mental health crisis.